where did i go?

i am an actor. i don't want to be. i try, and fail. i work hard, and still mess up. i hate it. not only do i mess up, but after i mess up i feel worse because i am not fulfilling the role i should be. i am tired of acting. i mess up, but i try. i don't like the way i live right now. here is the result of society today - you are supressed, but your role is exalted. where did we go? our emotions are not our own, our words are not our own, our actions are not our own anymore. we have become an actor - possibly the best actor in the world. our stage is earth and the cameras are the millions of eyes staring at us throughout each and every day. each set of eyes, a director, critiquing your every move. checking to see how well you fulfill their wishes. we belong to them - to the eyes. we do as we are told. live as they want us to. we own nothing but thoughts - thoughts of redmeption. thoughts of liberation from this play. thoughts of jumping off the stage and running down the aisle past empty faces staring blankly at the stage, because it's their role, and bursting through the double doors barring light from entering the shadows of this life. the light bursts in. it explodes through the theatre, shattering the darkness. the air fills your nose. you breathe the fresh air of freedom. sounds of birds and the bustle of the city excites your ears. they sing sweetly - sweeter than you have ever known. your senses are overwhelmed. you feel. you honestly and passionately feel. you run up and down the aisles screaming at people. "FEEL! UNDERSTAND THE WORLD THROUGH YOUR SENSES!" but they are silent. they sit, motionless, dead. "WHY?" you scream. "why must you be numbed by the piercing gaze of society? why must they direct your life?" no answer. still they remain. dead. their breathing synchronized like robots programmed this way. they do not understand emotion unless they are told they can feel it. numb. that's all they are. they simply exist. until called upon to act their role, they remain stagnant. society is stagnant. full of people afraid of stepping outside the boundaries of society. so they remain in this darkened state of slience. not feeling. not living. just existing. "LIVE!" you scream. "WAKE UP AND FEEL!" its only then can they understand life as it should be. leave their rules. leave their expectations. then they can live. but for now, they die. they die every time they conform. it is the suicide of individuality. conformity to society is suicide of individuality. the blank faces say, "but there is pain outside. there is hurting. there is insecurity." and they choose to be numb. avoid pain and everything with it. choose. as for me, i will walk out the doors. and become to you only a sillhouette of a man as i enter into a world of sensations. i want to feel. i want to hurt. i want to understand sadness. i want to be in agony. because only then will i know i am alive. because only then will i be able to understand how to love and laugh and passionately live. without struggle there can be no redemption. without pain there can be no healing. without rejection there can be no individuality. that word - individuality. me. conformity says there is only us. individuality says, no, there is me. i am here. i am separate. i want to be myself. choose. either sacrifice the ability to express, feel, and grow for acceptance and to fit in. or join me in leaving everything we have been told by society - in the search and the quest to find yourself - in taking back our own lives. one by one we can change. one by one we can awaken the sleeping souls of those captured by conformity until feeling is restored. this is my rant. take it or leave it. join me or ridicule me. i have chosen to not care what you think. i live my life. no more acting, no more pleasing. just me.

in case this needs clarification, i love Jesus. this is why His name is the only proper noun i capitalized. i don't even capitalize my own name. possibly some form of self-loathing. it's because i mess up. i want to live for Jesus, because he saved me and loves me so much. and i am tired of hiding my mistakes. swearing, lying, laughing at jokes i shouldn't - yes, i do it sometimes. i am sorry. i don't like it, but it happens. i know Jesus still loves me, but the hard part is that i don't know what people would if they knew about it. this little bit of writing is my declaration that no matter how hard it is, i am going to be myself. i will love Jesus, i will try to do right, i will work on my flaws, but i will not hide them. i am an open book. and i hope the story you read will point to Jesus, and though there will be mistakes, i hope it becomes a story you want to write on your own.

i've got the power...or do i?

True or false: true power is held in authority. In the mind of the unquestioning person the answer is true. However, I hold to the opposite side of this argument because of many facts, observations, and logical ideas, which I will expand on in this essay, that point power away from authority. I have resolved that true power is held by the majority of the population, and not by authority.
If a government has no people following it, what power does it hold? Who does it have power over? With no people to support a ruling body, it will crumble and fall, because people are the foundation of all government. If a group of people turns on its leaders then the power of the government is lost and often a revolt will occur. It is true that most revolts are not effective in removing the current government and replacing it with a new one. That may be correct, but all revolts inevitably instigate change. The power of the people is proven and puts fear into the government. Without change it will be overthrown. Take the American Revolution as an example. With the British king heavily taxing English citizens in America and persecuting them, the Americans revolt. The government in England cannot stand up to the armed forces of its citizens. Who held the power in the American Revolution? Was it held by the government or by the people "under the control" of the government? Now we have the American Army to enforce the laws of the government and to force the people to be submissive. Correct, but are not the members of the army a portion of the population also? They pay taxes, follow the laws of the government, and elect the leaders. If they are not happy with the government, then they have just as much right to turn on it as any other person does.
Many people believe the Constitution has established an indestructible hold on the power of the government. The Constitution is supreme and should be followed. However, the Constitution has been changed many times already to address new issues encountered in the developing world. What is one more change to give power to the people? If the Constitution must be followed in order to prevent the destruction then it should be followed, but not blindly and not without changes.
This is not anarchy. Anarchy is the absence of a government, and is characterized by lawlessness. This is the idea that, while a government is necessary to make laws and maintain foreign relations, the people have the power to overthrow the current government and implement a new one as is needed. Anarchy would be a country with no leader; this is a country with a leader chosen by the people but holding ephemeral power.
Is power held in authority? I am resolved that it is not based on the fact that a small body of people will never be more powerful than a larger one, no matter what titles they are given to show that they have "power." Society of the present and of past shows that majority will always be stronger than authority.