i want to be alive

i sit and ponder. nothing life changing - merely fantasy. fantasy: the opposite of my current reality. that is sitting in captivity with a man droning on about numbers and words meaningless to me. his voice is the background music of my thoughts. everytime i look up his hand has crafted more lines and symbols that actually mean something to him. but only to him. to me they are as boring and tiresome as if he were speaking another language. so what am i doing here? is this my choice? no. then why do i follow the mold others have so unforgivingly jammed me into. this is not me. in this room i have no purpose, no life, no soul. in this room i am nothing. the bodies around me, lifeless, but for the few who speak the strange language of the man. all i can see are lifeless bodies. and not even this, for as i am in the back, all i can see are melodramatic ovals attempting to maintain an upright state to avoid slumber. ovals with hair, that is all they are to me. slowly drooping; slowly loosing life. my mind wanders. the qualities of the room intrigue me. why are the tiles all different? was it part of some modern design or simply a mistake by a careless manufacturer? the man's voice drones on unmelodically in my ears. he is now interesting, but not in his words. rather the motion of his face is curious to me. how does it move? i rub my own face and realize i havent shaved in a couple days and that the stubble is starting to become soft. finally. another noise. a scream in the hallway. not just any scream. it is a beautiful one. raw and unpolished. full of fear and chaos. could it be that i have just felt a small bit of life? the screams intensify and is joined by more until a full chorus of screaming demons has arisen. a rhythm section joins the chorus. short bursts of rapid explosions give a beat to the song of chaos. my heart pounds in my chest like the drums of war beating to awaken the troops and prepare them for something more. adrenaline bursts through my veins. they feel as if they will explode if more is pumped in. i feel. i feel. the man shouts commands, but as before, his words mean nothing to his audience. the people...they become animated. it is fascinating to watch. some break down in tears or screams. others become ghastly white. still others drop to their knees and pray to the sky. my blood flows quickly now as the blasts grow closer and closer. the audience makes futile attempts to hide behind objects half the size of their bodies. some run in fear. i sit motionless. the window darkens as a figure approaches and an eye peers in. has this man come to save me? the handle screams as though it is a warning to all that danger is trying to enter. as it twists and pops open the figure bursts in with all the fury of hell. no longer is there yelling; no longer is there crying. everyone has stopped breathing. the room is silent. fear has taken control. time feels as though it has stopped for everyone, but the figure. everyone's eyes, transfixed on the invader, are full of fear. i sit motionless. i study the figure. his long, sleek overcoat conceals his attire underneath. all that is visible are the black standard army boots on his feet, the mask concealing his face, and his black cap. his long hair creates a bulge in the back of his head covering. in his hand is his message. a black pistol. cold, steel with intent to kill. a small piece of metal powerful enough to take life away. his arm raises and swings wildly around the room. it passes me once then slowly returns. i sit motionless. i can see down the barrel to the vessel about to become my demise, but i feel no fear. what have i that he can take from me? i have no purpose, no life, no soul. he comes to steal life, i have no life to steal. his mission is futile. i move. slowly i push back my chair and stand. he is no taller than me and i can now see in his eye slits the hatred and fury hiding in his eyes. i hold my breath as his jaw clenches and arm tightens. he yells some command in my direction, but the pounding of my heart drowns it out. i hear nothing he says. his hand squeezes. trigger, hammer, explosion, expulsion. the vessel of my demise careens towards me. the figures arm springs back as if the explosion surprised him. smoke explodes from the barrel. the small piece of metal and lead rips through the left side of my chest. i weeze. i can feel my lungs becoming full of the blood that sat so idle all these days. it now moves. i feel pain. pain. it is not dull. life is no longer dull. i feel. life has meaning now. one never knows what something means until it is taken away. out of the small hole in my chest pours the blood that i never cherished until now. my heart beats so loud i am deafened by it. everything fades. i am at peace. i found peace through chaos. i found life. i understood life by way of death.